Feelings

It has been more than six months since Joe died.  Today my feelings about his death came a little closer, clearer maybe, certainly in my face.  The husband half of a husband and wife pair of choir members died yesterday.  He had been ill for awhile, and his death was not unexpected.  Nevertheless, my own sadness is being roiled up.  Saying “I miss Joe” does not describe the feeling I carry around with me constantly.  There is an emptiness that cannot be described.  I am doing all — well, most — of the things that need to be done, but there is a sense of detachment, a sense of being removed from, a feeling of being not all here or missing some essential part of me.  This makes it very hard to interact with others.  It’s not so much that I want to talk about Joe or my grief; it’s more that I don’t have anything else in my brain to talk about.  It is a real effort to hold a conversation.  Somehow, that doesn’t help me be very good at socializing.  I know that this will pass and not only will life go on, it will be good, but right now that doesn’t seem possible.  I guess my head knows but my gut hasn’t caught up with it yet.  I keep telling myself that I am ready to feel better.  I guess I’m getting a little deaf as I age because I don’t seem to be hearing it.  And I am damned annoyed that I can help others through their grief, but don’t seem to be able to help myself.  Thank God for my wonderful therapist!  She helps me get through this tumultuous time.  And at the same time, I am angry that she is about to go on maternity leave.  Here’s where my gut is loud and clear — **how dare she have a baby when I need her!! **  Good thing my head knows that it is okay to have irrational feelings!!  The pragmatist part of me pokes through at this point and assures me that everything will work out — it always has; not always the way I wanted or expected it to work out, but somehow things work out.  Now, if it would only happen yesterday . . . “God, grant me patience; and I want it right now!”

Working and Grieving – keeping them separate

Saw 9 patients today - that’s 9 hours of being focused on someone else.  I imagine that my work is the main thing that keeps me from wallowing in grief.  Today is the six month anniversary of Joe’s death.  In some ways the pain is more acute now that it was when he died.  Sometimes it’s easier.  Because my work takes my total concentration and requires that I put my “stuff” aside, there are large chunks of time when I have the luxury of not even thinking about Joe, his death, how much I miss him.  Then when work is done, there is plenty time to grieve, but at least it is not constant and is down a few notches from overwhelming.  Good thing I get to see my therapist tomorrow.  Without that, there is no way I could keep my stuff out of my patients’ work, nor would I have the strength to do the amount of work I do.  Thank you, therapist!

Setting out

This is my first attempt at blogging.  My middle daughter introduced me to this world a few months ago.  I have so enjoyed following not only her pages, but also some of those linked to her page, that I decided to give it a try.  Because I am pretty deep into grieving right now, I am imagining that at least some of what shows up here will relate to that.  However, with 9 children (4 of mine, 5 of his), 13 grandchildren, a private practice as a psychologist, a practicum and choir, there will probably be some other topics too

Day-to-day living is a real challenge at the moment.  I thought that because I am a psychologist and knew all about the grief process that I could sail right through it.  WRONG!  My grief is a tangled mess that feels like it will never get straightened out.  I am doing just fine with all the mechanics of living, but the feeling parts are all messed up.  Sometimes hurting; other times numb.

Actually, I lied about the mechanics part.  I was not eating well — I don’t like to cook to begin with, (my husband had done most of the cooking and he was gr-r-reat), and nothing sounded good, so I would end up eating M & Ms and Tostitos for supper.  M & Ms have protein you know — the peanuts.  Anyway, about 2 months ago, I decided to try Nutrisystem instead of M & Ms and Tostitos.  The benefits were at least dual:  weight loss and just reach in the cabinet, open a package, nuke for a minute or two and supper — or lunch or breakfast — is ready.  So now, that’s what I am doing.  So I guess I really didn’t lie — I am doing okay with the mechanics now.  AND I’ve lost a little over 10 pounds.  YEAH!