You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Uncategorized' category.
Haven’t been here for awhile. Was rereading the post about the flood and realized that I am still trying to get the insurance garbage straightened out and it happened more than 3 months ago. It’s more me than them — I am having a really hard time getting motivated to do anything. I am not anxious to talk with anybody, so I put off making phone calls — not a lot gets accomplished that way. I’m not really depressed, but I sure feel disconnected. I do the things I have to; I talk with people when they call or when I meet them somewhere — I think I even sound “normal” (whatever that is.) But I don’t feel really there. So when does this all end? Yah, yah, it’s only been 10 months since Joe died, but can’t I be a little bit social, a little bit energetic, a little bit entertained?? It’s a whole lot easier to tell someone else that feeling like this is normal and it WILL go away or at least get better. Time helps and all that — much harder to believe it and make it part of myself.
I have only done a little with regards to distributing Joe’s stuff. I hate to say ‘getting rid of,’ although sometimes and for some things it really is getting rid of. For other things, it’s more about letting go of. And for yet others it’s ‘maybe one of the kids would want this.’ In any of these instances, the bottom line is often that I end up doing nothing. Last weekend I did take a lot of his clothes to the local homeless center. They are always asking for shirts, shorts and pants. There were a lot of those items. I still have some of his dressier clothing and a bunch of never worn items that I am thinking about taking to a consignment shop. For now they are sitting in boxes waiting to be taken to the car — the next step in getting them out of the house. I never thought it would be so difficult to sort through everything, to decide what I want to keep. As I was talking to my therapist last week, she was saying the ‘take it easy on yourself,” yes, it will get better,’ etc.– stuff that I’m the one usually telling my patients. It occurred to me — yes, I did say it aloud in session — that I just expected myself to do better than anyone else. Somehow my SuperWoman essence would be able to just whip through all this grief stuff and everything would be okay. Oh, well, so much for my image of self as SuperWoman. Perhaps UnrealisticExpectationsWoman would be more apt.
This week was pretty hectic. When I finished my last client, I called the massage school to try to get a massage, and, miracle of all miracles, they had an opening in 10 minutes. Since I was only 10 minutes away, I jumped on it — and to it. WOW! I needed that. The weekend should go much better after having a treat like that.
I don’t like myself when I am cynical. I feel cynical about the whole presidential election process and its candidates. This makes it very difficult to make a decision. Even when I read about the candidates, I don’t feel informed; I feel manipulated and boondoggled. When other people talk to me about their preferences, I find myself alternately vehemently agreeing or disagreeing with them — but not with any internal consistency! Have I gone senile?? (Please, don’t answer that.) Is anyone else out there feeling as ambivalent and crazy about the upcoming election?
I am a 62 year old widow who lives in Florida. I have been married and divorced with four adult children coming from that marriage. Twenty-one years ago I married an indescribably wonderful man who died on March 2, 2008. Although he was quite a bit older than I am, until about 2 years ago he had more energy and did more than I ever did. I am very active, so it is saying a lot when I say that I couldn’t keep up with him. Therefore, it was a huge shock to both of us when he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. His diagnosis came 3 months after my mother’s totally unexpected death (she also was incredibly active and left a calendar full of things to do when she died.) I was and still am dealing with losing her. I also ache for my children who have lost 4 grandparents and a stepfather in the past 4 years. More on that in another post
