SuperWoman — guess not.

Haven’t been here for awhile.  Was rereading the post about the flood and realized that I am still trying to get the insurance garbage straightened out and it happened more than 3 months ago.  It’s more me than them — I am having a really hard time getting motivated to do anything.  I am not anxious to talk with anybody, so I put off making phone calls — not a lot gets accomplished that way.  I’m not really depressed, but I sure feel disconnected.  I do the things I have to; I talk with people when they call or when I meet them somewhere — I think I even sound “normal”  (whatever that is.)  But I don’t feel really there.  So when does this all end?  Yah, yah, it’s only been 10 months since Joe died, but can’t I be a little bit social, a little bit energetic, a little bit entertained??  It’s a whole lot easier to tell someone else that feeling like this is normal and it WILL go away or at least get better.  Time helps and all that — much harder to believe it and make it part of myself.

I have only done a little with regards to distributing Joe’s stuff.  I hate to say ‘getting rid of,’  although sometimes and for some things it really is getting rid of.  For other things, it’s more  about letting go of.  And for yet others it’s ‘maybe one of the kids would want this.’  In any of these instances, the bottom line is often that I end up doing nothing.  Last weekend I did take a lot of his clothes to the local homeless center.  They are always asking for shirts, shorts and pants.  There were a lot of those items.  I still have some of his dressier clothing and a bunch of never worn items that I am thinking about taking to a consignment shop.  For now they are sitting in boxes waiting to be taken to the car — the next step in getting them out of the house.  I never thought it would be so difficult to sort through everything, to decide what I want to keep.  As I was talking to my therapist last week, she was saying the ‘take it easy on yourself,” yes, it will get better,’ etc.– stuff that I’m the one usually telling my patients.  It occurred to me — yes, I did say it aloud in session — that I just expected myself to do better than anyone else.  Somehow my SuperWoman essence would be able to just whip through all this grief stuff and everything would be okay.  Oh, well, so much for my image of self as SuperWoman.  Perhaps UnrealisticExpectationsWoman would be more apt.

100 American Foods

This is 100 “North American” foods. You bold what you’ve tried. Am pretty sure before I start I won’t hit 10.

1. New York pizza
2. Hoppin’ John
3. New Mexico green chile
4. Homemade buttermilk biscuits
5. Tasso - what is this?
6. Whole Maine lobster
7. Calabash-style shrimp and hushpuppies
8. Kansas City barbecue ribs
9. Hot glazed Krispy Kreme
10. San Diego fish tacos
11. Cheese curds (It happens when you live on a dairy farm in Wisc!)
12. Key lime pie how can you live in FL without having key lime pie?)
13. Philly cheese steak
14. Memphis pork barbecue sandwich
15. Lowcountry boil
16. Huckleberry pie
17. New England clam chowder
18. Boiled peanuts
19. Buffalo (Bison) burger
20. Eggs Benedict
21. Pastrami on rye
22. Corned beef and cabbage
23. Pancakes with maple syrup - best with real Vermont maple syrup – ahyep) 
24. Everything bagel with cream cheese and tomato
25. Thin Mints
26. Frito pie
27. Potato knish with mustard
28. Silver Queen corn on the cob
29. Soft pretzel from a street cart
30. Fresh-picked blueberries (Nancy, how can you NOT like blueberries?  Are you sure we’re related?)
31. Sourwood honey
32. State fair funnel cake
33. Chesapeake crab cakes
34. Candied yams
35. Oyster dressing (yum-m-m)
36. Snow cone or snowball
37. Wild Alaskan salmon – (yumm)
38. Sautéed more – don’t know what this is
39. Persimmon pudding – I think I tried it and it was one of those “ehyn” things
40. General Tso’s Chicken
41. Frozen custard
42. Italian sausage with peppers and onions on a hoagie bun
43. Chili dogs
44. Buffalo wings with blue cheese
45. Spam musubi (This is like a sushi made with Spam)
46. Saltwater taffy
47. Fluffernutter sandwich on Wonder Bread
48. Black and white cookie (not Ores, the real sugary iced cookie)
49. Frybread
50. BLT with thick-cut applewood bacon
51. Baked beans
52. Pumpkin pie
53. Collards with vinegar and Tabasco
54. Tex-Mex fajitas with skirt steak and sautéed peppers
55. Fried green tomatoes
56. Succotash
57. Shrimp and grits – love shrimp, never had it with grits
58. Hot water cornbread – how is this different than regular cornbread?
59. Barbecue chicken pizza with red onions (Onions give me migraine — no go here)
60. Chicken fried steak
61. Carnitas burrito
62. Apple butter
63. Geoduck
64. Soft-serve ice cream cone dipped in chocolate shell
65. Pecan pie
66. Catfish supper at a church or fire station
67. Oysters Rockefeller
68. Homemade cranberry sauce
69. Pimento cheese
70. MoonPie washed down with R.C. Cola
71. Pickled watermelon rind
72. Cracker Jacks at the ball game – cracker jacks are(is??) one of the few foods I don’t really like
73. Smithfield ham
74. Meatloaf and mashed potato blue plate special at diner
75. Chicken and waffles – I’ve had chicken, and I love waffles, but never had them together
76. Po’Boy with many napkins
77. Green bean casserole with French’s fried onions
78. Stuffed sopaipillas (I have no idea what this is.)
79. Turducken
80. Shad roe on toast
81. Sweet potato casserole with or without marshmallows
82. Cioppino
83. New York cheesecake
84. Pan-fried river trout
85. Jambalaya
86. North Carolina pig pickin’
87. California rolls
88. Burgoo
89. Penuche fudge
90. Fried peanut butter and banana sandwich – never tried it fried; love it plain or toasted : )
91. Scrapple or livermush
92. Elk medallions in red wine reduction
93. Muscadine grapes
94. Cheeseburger at backyard barbecue
95. Open-face turkey sandwich
96. Chicago deep dish pizza
97. Cobb salad
98. Peach pie a la mode
99. Macaroni and cheese
100. Root beer float

 

Hey! I got to 56.  My daughter, Nancy, (at Zimmerzoo,) who says she doesn’t eat anything except potatoes (well, maybe a few other things,) got 47!  She doesn’t even like blue berries or pizza!  I thought I ate everything, but there were several things I’ve never heard of, not to mention the ones I haven’t had the opportunity to try — or the few I thought “yuck.”

Zimmerzoo is where I got the list and the instructions — she got it from another blog who got it from another one, etc., etc.

Wish He Were Here

I’ve always known that I could handle whatever comes my way — well, almost always — but I’ve discovered that I preferred it when I had the help and support of a spouse.  Dealing with a flood in my place after the upstairs neighbor’s diswasher hose popped is not fun.  Neither is living with 5 heavy duty fans and 3 industrial strength de-humidifiers for 5 days.  When I tried to read the newspaper at the kitchen table this morning it was like trying to read it at the beach with a 20 mph wind blowing.  The guy who installed it all said it would be like having an indoor hurricane — I thought he was exaggerating!  As I open packages (food), I have to hold down the wrap or the small pieces or they blow all over the kitchen.  Good grief!  Yes, maybe it is good grief — I miss having Joe here to talk with, to problem solve with, to help, just to have him nearby.   I wish he were here, and an incident like this intensifies that wish, but I am getting used to dealing with things by myself  — don’t like it, but I can do it.

More computers?

I seem to be stuck on a computer theme — last night and tonight I have been struggling with my internet connection — at least 6 computers in this house and no way to get on the net.  My computer knowledge is kind of at the level of semi-literate, so I rebooted, I unplugged and plugged back in, I checked all the cables and the connections — still no internet.  Next step:  call a friend who knows computers back to front and inside out.  He diagnosed that it was probably the provider’s problem; give them a call.  The tech asked me a zillion questions and began to give me directions as to what to do.  As I am trying to juggle the phone, sixteen hundred cables and the laptop, I pushed the disconnect button on the phone.  !#?*!*!!  I manage to get back to another tech who gives me additional instructions (this time I am smart enough to put the phone down as I manipulate cables and power sources. Ta-da! I have internet.  However, this is on a cable directly from the router to my laptop — It is not in my office, which is connected by yet more cables and gadgets, nor am I getting my wireless connection.  I played around some more with the boxes and cables and connections and solidify the direct connection — yay! — and am imagining that it is the wireless router which is at the ’root’ of the problem of the lack of connection in the other room (my office) or by wireless.  Since I have a connection, though, here I am online and I’ve checked my email.  This will work for now and tomorrow (or the next day, or the next) I will tackle the rest of the problem.

Tiny Computer – Part 3

Monday I installed Dragon Naturally Speaking (word recognition and writing program) onto the tiny computer.  Yesterday I “trained” it and started to write my client notes by speaking into the computer.  So far, I guess, I haven’t trained it very well.  Although it is amazing when it gets things right, it is very frustrating when it does not understand me.  I think I have used the commands “scratch that,”  “correct that,” and “spell that” more than I have dictated text!!  I can see some progress, especially with the phrases I use often.  When we get to those, the machine is right on almost all the time and pretty rapid.   I am discovering that I don’t say the consonants F, B, H and N very clearly and I tend to let final consonants fade away (you realize that when the computer writes “ten” and you said “tent” or you say “had” and it writes “ad”.  Right now I could probably type in my notes faster than speaking them, but I will keep working on it, and, hopefully, I will soon be able to talk into the computer efficiently.  In the meantime, it is mostly fun, (especially when what the computer types sounds sort of like what you said but it isn’t quite right) with some frustration mixed in.

Tiny Computer – Part 2

The  tiny computer arrived on Wed night.  I lo-o-ve it!  I took it to my practicum the next day and it ran for about 5 hours on its battery.  I’ve never had a laptop or notebook that would go that long.  I took notes while my supervising MD saw patiients.  [several people stopped to ask about it because it is so cute.]  It seems to do everything I want it to.  The one annoying thing is that the right space key is out of place and I keep doing a ‘page up’ instead getting an upper case letter.  The screen  is clear and, even with my aging eyes, I can see the screen without having to lean closer.  Just found another annoyance — somehow when I type an upper case ‘I’ a piece of text is highlighted and disappears.  I think that the keys are very sensitive and I must brush over some other key that activates the delete stuff.  As long as I am careful whenever I type ‘I’ things go along okay.  It really is lightweight and easy to carry around, and the power cord (transformer) is much smaller and lighter than other regular size notebooks.  A friend came over this evening and set up wireless network for me, so I am good to go.  Next challenge is to “train” Dragon Naturally Speaking so that I can speak notes into it.   DNS is installed but not set up.  My project for the week.

Feelings

It has been more than six months since Joe died.  Today my feelings about his death came a little closer, clearer maybe, certainly in my face.  The husband half of a husband and wife pair of choir members died yesterday.  He had been ill for awhile, and his death was not unexpected.  Nevertheless, my own sadness is being roiled up.  Saying “I miss Joe” does not describe the feeling I carry around with me constantly.  There is an emptiness that cannot be described.  I am doing all — well, most — of the things that need to be done, but there is a sense of detachment, a sense of being removed from, a feeling of being not all here or missing some essential part of me.  This makes it very hard to interact with others.  It’s not so much that I want to talk about Joe or my grief; it’s more that I don’t have anything else in my brain to talk about.  It is a real effort to hold a conversation.  Somehow, that doesn’t help me be very good at socializing.  I know that this will pass and not only will life go on, it will be good, but right now that doesn’t seem possible.  I guess my head knows but my gut hasn’t caught up with it yet.  I keep telling myself that I am ready to feel better.  I guess I’m getting a little deaf as I age because I don’t seem to be hearing it.  And I am damned annoyed that I can help others through their grief, but don’t seem to be able to help myself.  Thank God for my wonderful therapist!  She helps me get through this tumultuous time.  And at the same time, I am angry that she is about to go on maternity leave.  Here’s where my gut is loud and clear — **how dare she have a baby when I need her!! **  Good thing my head knows that it is okay to have irrational feelings!!  The pragmatist part of me pokes through at this point and assures me that everything will work out — it always has; not always the way I wanted or expected it to work out, but somehow things work out.  Now, if it would only happen yesterday . . . “God, grant me patience; and I want it right now!”

Massage

This week was pretty hectic.  When I finished my last client, I called the massage school to try to get a massage, and, miracle of all miracles, they had an opening in 10 minutes.  Since I was only 10 minutes away, I jumped on it — and to it.  WOW!  I needed that.  The weekend should go much better after having a treat like that.

Tiny Computer

I am very excited!  A good friend just showed me a teeny tiny notebook computer (9″ screen,) and told me about its slightly larger brother (10″ screen.)  It seems to do everything that my regular size notebook does and may even be faster.  The price is under $500, and I am hooked.  I hope to put Dragon Naturally Speaking on it and be able to speak my patient notes into it.  The battery is touted to last 7.5 hours and the speakers are reviewed as awesome.  Ready, set, go!

Don’t you just love to fly?!

Over the weekend I flew to San Diego for a workshop.  It wasn’t the best one I’ve attended, but it was pretty good.  The travel – yuck!  on the way out things went pretty well except for being stopped at security because I forgot to take my emergency knife out of my suitcase and I was trying to carry-on all my (2) bags.  Back to the counter and check in the roll-aboard.  When I came back through, my hair clip made the thing beep — it hadn’t 10 minutes before that.  Oh, well, take out the hair clip, put it in the dish and try again.  Whew!  Success!

Returning, I was scheduled to fly through San Francisco, then on to Atlanta, and lastly, home.  The flight from San Diego to San Francisco was delayed almost 2 hours because of the storms caused by hurricane Hannah in DC.  good grief… well, grief, at least.  Missed the connection for the red-eye to Atlanta.  almost made it.  Ran from the United terminal to the Delta terminal just in time to hear the last call for boarding;  I didn’t even have a boarding pass and all the ticket desks were closed (11 pm Sunday night.)  They even let me through security *sans* boarding pass — accompanied — but the plane was gone. *sigh*  Walk back to United to reschedule.  Of course, no more flights until morning.  The one really great thing was that United gave out vouchers for hotel stays without any hassle.  My new flight was to leave at 6 am, so I got about 4 hours sleep in a very comfy bed — much nicer than the floor of the airport terminal — and I even remembered to ask for a toothbrush at the front desk.

Back to the airport where there are lines everywhere for everything.  I try the e-ticket computer check-in which tells me I need “special attention, please go to manned kiosk.”  Back in line.  By now I’m wondering if I’m going to make my flight.  One of the attendants then calls out for anyone taking my flight, and I get moved up to the front of the line.  Yeah!  Get my boarding passes and head for the gate.  More lines.  I ask someone if I can make my 6:00 flight and am assured, no problem.  A few minutes later, another attendant comes along and asks if anyone is leaving before 6:15 and I say, “my flight is at 6,” whereupon I am led to the VIP line which is empty but ribboned off at the end.  I wait.  And wait.  Suddenly I see the young guy I had been talking to in the regular line.  He calls to me and we laugh that he has made it to the search point before me.  I look around and it looks like no one is coming to let me through any time soon, so I lift the ribbon and my *friend* lets me ahead of him.  I put my stuff in the bins, take off my shoes and my hair clip, and walk through the beeper.  Miracle of miracles — no beep.  But — the TSA person says, “step this way.  You’ve been chosen for extra scrutiny.”  Yep, I’m Granny Frani, looking like a potential terrorist.  Back through the screener and into the puffy drug detector arbor.  Pass that test and it’s on to the table where they are going through my bags.  The TSA guy casually asks why I came through the closed ribbon.  It all comes clear — I got their attention because I went under the ribbon.  I bite back the caustic remark that almost cleared the tip of my tongue and patiently explain how I had waited in the speedy lane until the person who had been in front of me in the regular line showed up ahead of me, etc.  He made some remark about not going through closed places, and I bit my tongue again as he waved me through.  I got to the gate where they were making the final calls for boarding and GOT ON THE PLANE.  The rest of the flight was mercifully uneventful.  However, when I went to pick up my bag (that I had not planned to check in the first place, remember?) — no sign of my bag.  And then I hear what you never want to hear while you are waiting for your baggage — my name being paged to baggage customer service.  They regret to tell me that my bag did not make it on the plane.  They are very polite, very helpful, very agreeable, but my bag is not here, and it won’t be until tomorrow morning when they will bring it to me.  (No, thank you, I don’t want to come back at midnight to pick it up.)  At least my car keys were in my pocketbook and not the suitcase!  With trepidation I drove home hoping that nothing more would glitch.  Made it.